Conan O'Brien

A study says woman have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh!"

Jonathan Winters

What really scares me most, more than nukes or cancer, is a man or woman without a sense of humor.

Judy Tenuta

My mother said, 'You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate.' I said, 'just wait...'

Dorothy Parker

The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'check enclosed'.

Pity the poor insomniac dyslexic agnostic. He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rearview mirror.

If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it. That's my motto.

I went on a 45-day diet. It's going great. I've already lost 30 days.

Jennifer Aniston

There's nothing better than contagious laughter.

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