Dennis Miller

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the home.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Angelina Jolie

I am odd-looking. Sometimes I think I look like a Muppet.

David Letterman

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy toook the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone delivers a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Jim Carrey

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Lily Tomlin

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Bob Hope

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.


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