George Carlin

You know you're in a small town when the restaurant closes at lunch so the waitress can go home and eat.

George Carlin

Some people see the glass as half empty, some as half full. I see the glass as too big.

George Carlin

George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

George Carlin

If the shoe fits... get another one just like it.

You know you're getting old when your birthday cake looks like a prairie fire.

You know you're getting old when they've discontinued your blood type.

You know you're getting old when your favorite drink is Metamucil.

If at first you don't succeed, call it 1.0, sell it, and use the revenue to build a version that actually works.

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